You are what makes life that much sweeter..

In my life I have been truly blessed with at least one friend at all times that genuinely understands me and my situation, whatever it may be. Over the years I have gone through many different stages of change and growth. It's hard to go through changes with your friends. While you want them to grow, you want them to stay the same. Sometimes they don't change into people we want them to be. Sometimes they change and go through stages we don't understand or know how to deal with. The truth is being a friend is not always about liking every stage they go through or even why they are there, but more just having the understanding to love them through it. I'm talking mostly about myself. I know that I have been changing in ways I didn't know I could over the past few years, and it's been a struggle to explain those changes to people close to me. I am a different person than I used to be...and thank goodness for that. I'm glad that I'm changing and growing. I couldn't imagine a life of being stagnant Simply because I have chosen to grow in a different direction doesn't mean I'm growing in the wrong direction. That's hard to grasp for some people. What I have learned from my own changes is that I was far more judgemental than I thought I was back in the day. You can't tell someone what's best for them until you are in there shoes completely. Everyone has a different story, different circumstances, and different convictions. It's not as black and white as I used to think it was. I decided a while back to make decisions not based on what ANYONE else thought. Super hard thing for me to conquer. I value my family and friends opinions a great deal, however I had to come to the difficult conclusion they did not know what was best for me. Only I could decide that. All that aside. I have been so blessed to have at least one friend though everything that gets it...like really understands where I'm coming from and makes me feel like I'm not crazy or alone in the world. Right now I'm blessed with a few of those kinds of friends..THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart..thank you for letting me use you as human diaries, and for making me feel like my very complicated life isn't as complicated as it may seem in my head, and for encouraging me and making me feel like I can conquer the world, and for loving me with sensitivity and understand through the things you don't agree with. You are what makes my life that much sweeter and I'm grateful!

Fresh eyes

The best part about blogs is that you can write whatever the heck you want and people will either read it or they wont. Considering that I'm ridiculously behind and dont know how to run my own blogger site, this could be interesting. This could also be the first and the last if I can't figure it out. Here is goes..

Today I woke up with a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. The feeling of being truly awake to my life. Everything has been cloudy for quite some time. Not that things aren't complicated still, but I saw it all through fresh eyes. :)
Tomorrow is Father's Day. It will be the first father's day that I wont be able to get my dad a gift. I can't bring anything with me where I go to visit him. It's been one week and one day since I drove him to Tucson to check into the Prison. He will be there for approx. 2 years. That's 14 holidays and countless events he will miss. It is only temporary. It wouldn't be as hard as it is if I didn't love him so much. So for that Im grateful. I didn't know how much I loved him when I was younger..in fact I didn't know him very well when I was younger. I love being an adult and making your own opinions about people. My dad has been the miracle worker in everyone's life. He made things happen. For the first time in my life I know I have to make things happen on my own. I did move away and I did live on my own, but that reassurance that if I called him and needed him to move me home he would...and he did, isn't there anymore. Its scary, liberating, and humbling all the same time. I'm 23 and the realization that I still need my daddy is terrifying now that I don't have him. In that moment of fear I find my weaknesses are my strengths. The true ability to be vulnerable is what makes you strong.
I realized today that I was loosing my ability to be vulnerable. It's not as easy as it sounds to love like you've never been hurt or live like you'll die tomorrow...or any of those cliche motto's. The reality of it is that life is hard, people do get hurt, and it is easy to let a day go by where you're in a cloudy funk. Everyone is going through something. When I first told people about dad, I heard a lot of "well it could be worse." Ya it could be, but the situation was bad enough for me to feel hurt. I have struggled to feel my feelings, to be vulnerable. Never in my life have I had trouble being vulnerable. I was told by a certain someone that crying doesn't help anything, it just makes you feel worse. Maybe it does, but at least you have physical evidence that you are a human being. Crying to me is sadness leaving your body one tear at a time. If that is in fact true, I'll cry my little eyes for a day and be back on track.
Anywho...getting back on track. Today I have chosen to be vulnerable and strong because of this amazing new awakened feeling. Tomorrow might be different, but today is all I can see and all I can handle. We serve a sovereign God and only He knows what tomorrow will bring.
I kind of know what tomorrow brings...it bring me to my daddy!!!!